Sydney is in a choir. The Lehi Children's Choir, to be exact. She's 8 years old and in second grade. I figured it was time for some extra-curricular activites. Sydney's response:"You should have asked my permission first, before just signing me up for something."
Well, excuse me for trying to be a responsible mother and help you develop your God-given talents. Seriously, Sydney has a beautiful voice. BEAUTIFUL!!! I thought she would enjoy it. I wasn't deliberately trying to introduce conflict into our relationship. But intentional or not, that is precisely what I did. Every Monday, 3:00 pm, without fail...Conflict!
This takes me back a few years...
Sydney was about 5. I was thinking about putting Sydney in a dance class. Why not? Most of her friends were in dance and they looked so cute in their little leotards, doing little turns and jumps and curtseys. So, before I "just signed her up for something, without her permission" I thought we'd go to a recital first and see what Sydney's interest was. Well...she got bored. Bored out of her gourd. We left early. We tried again, about a year later. Again, kind of bored but at least we didn't leave early.
On the way home from the recital I asked Sydney, "Do you want to be in a dance class?"
Her response (and this is IMPORTANT):
"I just don't think I have enough time. I need to play with my toys and feed my little pets (Littlest Petshop) and play with my friends. I don't think so, Mom." Well, I think she still feels the same way today. She'd rather play. Just ask her. So when do you start with all the extra-curricular stuff? We're half way through 2nd grade, most of her friends have been involved in dance, piano, soccer, gymnastics, etc for quite some time now. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I think its wonderful. But what about us? What do I want to do, regardless of society's pressure? Where is the balance between play and extra-curricular activities that help develop important skills and talents?
Earlier this month, Dr. William J. Doherty, a family therapist, educator and researcher gave a lecture at BYU. He is the director of the Marriage and Family Therapy Program at the University of Minnesota. He spoke on "Parenting Wisely in a Too-Much-of-Everything World." I've long held the belief that we are living in a 'too-much-of-everything' world. This lecture seemed right up my alley, although I never actually heard it. I read about it in the ChurchNews (written by Scott Taylor, week ending Feb 21, 2009).
Two of my particular pet-peeves are excessiveness and indulgence. I'm so concerned with avoiding these that I think I probably run too far in the other direction. Not only do I not indulge my children, I make them sacrifice an awful lot. Not only do we not have anything in excess, we deliberately have less. For example:
We try not to turn the Air Conditioning on in the summer until it is over 90-95 degrees for several days in a row.Why? I think some of it has to do with my travels abroad and seeing how excessive and indulgent the American culture is. Many families don't even have the option of air-conditioning. Some children have to eat grass, literally. Some children have two pairs of clothes, one for school, one for church and one pair of shoes total.
We don't give birthday presents to our children.
A couple of cookies is enough. (ice cream is another story altogether)
Gently used clothing is sufficient
Motivation? Be grateful. Focus on time together as a family instead of receiving gifts. Replace wanting things with giving things. Focus on service.
I'm still trying to find the balance. Its hard. I'm certainly not perfect in any of this. I still indulge and buy in excess. But I'm trying to be different, starting with my motivation. I want to make sure its in the right place.
Doherty said today's society faces "ratcheted up," excessive cultures geared toward individuality, competition, super-sized consumerism and "kids-are-fragile" therapeutic thinking. Continuing, "I think we think we need a lot to make us happy." He added, "there's so much to offer our children that wisdom and balance is difficult...and in the process, children grow up too fast."
That's the part that scares me. Children growing up too fast. It already happens too fast anyway. So bringing this tirade back to extra-curricular activities-where do they fit into this balancing act? Does enrolling my children in too many activities too early cause them to 'grow up too fast?' Do they need the responsibility of going to a class or practice or being a member of a team? Or do they just need to play with their "petshops" for a little while longer?One pressure I feel, and I hope I'm not the only one, is that it is my responsibility, as a parent, to provide opportunities for my children to succeed, progress and develop talents and skills. And to start early! And it is certainly a valid and important resonsibility to provide those experiences. There's no doubt about that. But sometimes I feel pressured to provide too much or provide it too early and my priorities become cloudy.
Here's what Doherty has to say about parents as providers:
If we see ourselves only as providers of services to our children (and indeed, this is one important part of parenting), we end up confused about our authority, anxious about displeasing our children, insecure about whether we are providing enough opportunities, and worried that we are not doing keeping up with other parents. In a market economy, the service provider must offer what is newest and best, and must avoid disappointing the customer. When applied to the family, this is a recipe for insecure parents and confused kids. (from Doherty's website)(italics added because those parts particularly hit home for me)Let me clarify. I am totally in favor of extra activities. Sydney is currently in choir and piano. And I've always done a pre-school co-op with other neighborhood moms. There are lots of benefits to these activites: learning teamwork, developing a talent, learning a skill, social skills, discipline, determination, responsibility and the list could go on. I'm just trying to find a balance and I thought this article was interesting.
And I'm one to talk. I started piano and ballet in 2nd grade and never slowed down. I was busy from sun-up to sun-down with extra activities. And I loved it. LOVED IT!!! I did. I can't imagine my life without it. Community plays, ballet recitals, piano recitals, choirs, practices, friends, song and dance groups, Ballet West Nutcrakcer, talent shows, professional stage productions, church activities, drill team, Madrigals. I was busy. I don't know how my Mom did it, with 6 younger siblings following in my wake.
But I also remember just playing. I remember playing in the field near our house and making indian camp-outs, bows and arrows and spending all day in our indian village. Or running through people's backyards, in the snow, jumping fences, hiding in bushes. Because we were Jews, running away from Nazi soldiers. I remember jump-rope and kick-the-can and red-rover and a gajillion other games.
So where's the balance. See, I have to figure it out because I'm the mom now. I have to be the grown-up. If I put my children in too many extra activities, will they be overloaded with all the 'benefits' of these extras? Will they 'grow up too fast?' What about the benefits of just playing?
Taylor's acticle on Doherty says, "Children and teens are failing to benefit from social skills often developed in unstructured, unsupervised, unofficiated experiences with siblings or peers -- 'we used to call it 'going out to play,'...where a child has to find someone to be with, convince them to play, negotiate what to play, teach others how to play, help enforce the rules and decide when to stop."Could it be that with all we try to teach and expose our children to through teams and lessons and practices and classes, the best learning comes through "going out to play"? Could it possibly be that simple? I'd like to believe it is. And so... I hereby proclaim to my children...Go Play! I will cool my jets and take it one day at a time. And I promise, I will confer with you before I sign you up for any other extra-curricular activity. (however, I do NOT need your permission) But for now, grab your Littlest Petshops and your Lightsaber, and
GO PLAY!!!
Then she proceeded to tell me I wasn't cleaning it up right because I wasn't doing it like SnowWhite. Apparently I'm supposed to sing a song. 
