Dinner talk

I really love the way Sterling engages our kids at dinner time. Sometimes it's super funny and other times it's serious. The dinner table is where we talk about things like the highlight and lowlight of our day. We talk about drugs, modesty and pornography. We talk about and plan vacations and Saturday chore lists. We talk about our most favorites and least favorites. And it is almost always initiated by Sterling. He is awesome. Tonight, he gave the kids "would you rather" options. It went something like this....

For RACHEL Question: Would you rather be friends with one boy or six girls?
Response: Well, if the boy was Hash, I'd pick the boy but mostly I'd pick the girls.

For CAMILLE Question: Would you rather go to the principal's office and hang upside down all day or clean the room of one of the boys in your class?
Response: Definitely the first one.

For SYDNEY Question: You are taking a shower in the upstairs bathroom by the family room. Just as you are finished and realize you forgot your pj's, you hear we have visitors. One of them is a boy from your class. You have two options. Option 1-wrap your body in a towel and put on a towel turban, open the door very quietly and run for the stairs. Option 2- The boy needs to use the bathroom and asks mom if he can. Mom says yes. You hide in the shower. What's your choice?
Response: First of all, I wouldn't shower upstairs. That bathroom is gross. I'd take choice #1.

For PARKER Question: You are in your bright yellow super-hero, super-tight pj's. Mom needs you to borrow a couple eggs from the neighbors across the street. All your friends are playing outside. Would you rather go out in your brigg yellow super-hero, super-tight pj's or would you rather go in your underwear?
Response: Definitely pj's.

Date Night

I have the best daughter in the world!

This beautiful young lady put together an amazing date night at home for Ster and I.

Earlier in the week, she left this invitation on our bed. 

 

It says, "Please come ready to eat, mind cleared and ready for a night full of each other." And at the very end she wrote "p.p.s. please put on calendar now!" I love how she's so practical and knows we'll probably forget if it's not on our calendars. :)

 

The day before, Sydney worked like crazy cleaning the house to earn money and then asked me to take her shopping. I had to be in another section of the store while she shopped and paid for everything with her own money.

 

The afternoon of the date, this is what the kitchen looked like.

After meeting in the piano room as instructed, Sterling and I were led into the kitchen and seated at the table with beautiful music playing in the background. We munched on Mike&Ikes after ordering off the menu.

Previously Sydney had fed all the kids and shuffled them off to the basement to watch a movie. Then she served us a delicious lasagne dinner.

When we finished dinner and dessert, she had arranged a romantic little nook for us to sit and relax.

It was perfect.

 

I can't express my gratitude for this young woman. She is one of a kind. So thoughtful and aware of the needs of others. She is a great support and help to me. But more than that, she is also one of my best friends. I learn so much from her and admire who she is becoming.

THANK YOU, SYDNEY!

Method of Measurement - family breakfast

I cook breakfast for my children and husband every morning.

This little fact came as a shock to some of my friends the other day as we talked around my kitchen table over lunch.

"How are you guys doing lunch during the summer?"
"Oh, I don't know. Let them make it themselves maybe."
"That's an idea. Making it for everyone everyday seems a little overwhelming."
"Yeah, some moms even make breakfast every morning for their kids."
"I know." finger pointing and grinning. "Karin does."

And I do.

Its always like a shocking revelation to me when I realize other moms do things differently than I do. Sometimes I just assume that everyone does things basically the same. After all, its the way my mom did it and so I just followed her lead. I never really questioned that there was a different way of doing things. The kids get up and the moms make them breakfast. In every house, in every neighborhood, around the world. (just kidding, I'm not that naive.)

I have had several instances where someone has said something and it jolts me and takes me a minute to wrap my brain around a new idea or new way of thinking about things that I just assumed everyone did basically the same way.

Other examples and quotes from friends who have opened my eyes to other opinions:

Preparing dinner:  "Do you cook all 5 days of the week?" (my friend obviously assumed Fri and Sat are eat-out days anyway and not to be included in the 7 day week)

Breastfeeding: "I've been lugging this kid around for 9 months. I'm not lugging his lunch around too."

So then I question myself. Well, if she's not doing it, then why am I? Is one way better than another? What else am I doing that I don't need to do? What is it, really, that I want to do? And then I start thinking about my method of measuring. More on that HERE and HERE.

And as far as breakfast goes, this is what its boils down to for me. I will continue to make breakfast for my family.

 I believe breakfast is an important meal for my individual family and I like sending my kids out the door with their bellies full of healthy food to fuel them for the morning.

I also love sitting at the kitchen table with my whole family. Doing this in the morning gives me the opportunity to ask questions. I like to know what they plan on doing that day and what's coming up in school. It also gives me a good gauge of how they are feeling that day.

Finally, I don't know how long this opportunity will last. It won't be long before Sydney is in middle school and on a different time schedule all together. Then its on to high school and kids in 3 different schools, not just one elementary school as it is now. Then its early morning seminary and practices and other things I don't even know about yet.

But for now, we all have the same basic schedule and sitting down as a family for breakfast (and dinner) is something we can do and will do until we are forced to change. Now I just need to find some new breakfast recipes.

Method of Measurement - siblings

So Sterling had a few meetings in southern Utah and decided that while he was down south, he would keep driving on to Arizona and visit with family. Especially with his mother, who is bed-ridden with Alzheimer's. Using our "method of measurement" theory and the "good - better - best" concept, we thought, how can we take this trip from good to better? The answer was to take the family.

As we thought about how to take it from better to best, we decided he would only take Sydney and Parker. The goal was to create a time and atmosphere for them to become better friends. We thought they would benefit with time together without the distraction or competition from the younger siblings.

But when I saw these pictures in my inbox, I wondered if we made a mistake. The side trip to Zion's National Park looked pretty inticing.

I'll be interested in the getting the details when they come home. Hopefully our method of measurement in this case will pay off.

Method of Measurement - basketball

Our family, minus one, lined the wall outside the elementary school gym. Hash squirmed on Sterling's shoulders as Camille looked around for her friend, Shelby. Community basketball games always feel like a semi-social gathering. Parker has 2 neighbors from our cul-de-sac on his team and several other teammates who live nearby. There is always plenty of neighborly chatting in the hallway before and after the game. As we wait for the final minutes of the current game to run down, Mr. [Neighbor] approaches, quickly scanning our lined-up family.

"Where's Parker?" he asks, grabbing Sterling's hand in a firm and friendly handshake.

"I don't know."

Mr. [Neighbor] squints his eyes and looks more closely at Sterling. "You don't know? Didn't he come with you?"

"No," says Sterling. Mr. [Neighbor] looks at me, for clarification.

"We didn't know where he was," I say, "So we left him."

"Oh," he says, waiting to see if there is more to story. There is not. Shaking his head, looking a little bemused, he turns to follow his family into the gym, where the previous game has just ended.
Sterling and I look at each other, smirk and follow the crowd into the gym.

Parker knew it was time for his basketball game. He could see us gathering children and moving carseats from the van to the explorer. He knew what time the game started. So when we were ready to go and he didn't respond to a quick call into the house and yard, we left him.

You see, some people put their kids in basketball to learn how to play basketball. Some put their kids in basketball to learn how to play as a team. Some put their kids in basketball as a positive way to exert all that "boy energy." Some might question our decision, by pointing out that its a waste of money to pay for basketball and then not make sure Parker goes to the games. What about your responsibility to the team? You'd rather have your son home alone? Will he feel abandoned? Those are all valid and popular ideas. But I've never been popular. And I try not to measure my motivation based on popular opinion.

Sterling and I have talked a lot about what we call our "Method of Measurement" and motivation. We have started asking ourselves a lot of questions to get to the root of our motivation and be more deliberate in the choices we make in parenting. Why is Parker in basketball? What do we want him to learn? What benefits will be gained as pertaining to preparing him for life in general?

Those popular reasons, previously mentioned, are all good reasons and definitely align in many of our reasons for putting Parker in basketball. But we also put Parker in basketball to teach him how to be responsible. And if that means missing a game or two because he wasn't responsibly watching the clock, then so be it. It only had to happen once, by the way.

Tying Knots

I labeled my son. I called him a problem child. And I did it at a Power of Moms retreat, of all places. The minute the words came out of my mouth, I wished I could crawl under my chair. What could I possibly have been thinking? I don't believe in labeling children, I really don't. I can tell you, I’ve done a lot of thinking since that moment of mis-speaking.

I’ve been thinking that it is hard to raise children. And it’s even harder to raise responsible, caring, capable, contributing, confident children. Given the individual personalities of each of my children and my own personality, it does seem much easier for me to parent certain children.

It’s true, I struggle with one son, knowing how to motivate and discipline him. It’s a constant struggle to get homework finished and stay on task. Finishing chores and being kind to siblings is always an issue. He requires a lot more of my time than the other children.

For a long time, I’ve looked at this struggle as a fault in our relationship, like a knot in an otherwise perfectly straight length of rope. Each struggle or knot seemed to be wasted time and effort. The knots were irritating and frustrating and I viewed it all as one mass of problems. As I’ve been thinking about my attitude and how I’ve been approaching this situation, I realize that those knots can actually be beneficial, not just problems. It is in my power to build something beautiful out of the situation. Each time I have to spend extra time working on homework or explaining consequences, I have the opportunity to build stronger ties/knots. The good kind of knots. And as those knots build upon each other, our relationship also grows stronger and tighter. In fact, it will actually result in a more secure and unique relationship.

Lately, I've been thinking about the purpose of these knots in our relationship, so, indulge for me a few minutes here, as I make a few analogies.

Knots in a rope

                I remember trying to climb the rope in elementary school. It was a big, thick rope, tied to something near the ceiling of the gym. I’m not sure what it was anchored to because I never made it that high. What I do remember is balancing on the big knot at the bottom of the rope, thinking, if knots like this went all the way up the rope, I could climb this rope no problem.
              
  Challenges with individual children can be used as knots to propel us higher in our relationship with them. I remember one particular afternoon when my son and I were really struggling to get math homework finished. He had all but given up and had convinced himself that he couldn’t do it and was just dumb. My patience with the whole situation was wearing thin but with great effort, I kept my cool and quietly encouraged him to finish the last few problems. By the time he had finished, he finally understood the math concept. I made sure to reinforce to him that he CAN do hard things and I was proud of him. He grinned at me and I knew that he believed it. That afternoon turned into a knot that we could both stand on the next time he struggled with his math homework. It also strengthened my relationship with him and increased his confidence; not only in his own abilities to figure things out but that I would always be there for him.

Knots as an anchor

                Anyone who does needlework knows how important a knot can be. There have been numerous times when I’m finishing a hem or stitching a small hole in a sock or shirt and my thread pulls through because I haven’t knotted it securely. It’s important to create secure anchor knots with our children. They need to know that they are anchored and safe and that our relationship with them will not fall through. Challenges with our children turn into anchor knots when we work through problems and come out better friends. When a confrontation with a child is followed up with love and appreciation, an anchor knot is formed that will strengthen the relationship.

Knots create beauty

            
    I recently finished a fillet crochet piece. I’ve never attempted this type of crochet before but had a grand goal of making an heirloom featuring our family name. It took a lot of time to find the right pattern and to figure out how to translate the pattern to my fingers and thread. Slowly but surely, I tied my first anchor knot and made my first row of single chains. The next row was built upon the previous row, using each stitch before as a foundation.  My husband remarked, “Wow, that’s a lot of knots.” And it certainly was a lot of knots. Knots I had pulled out time and time again to fix problems and work through patterns I didn’t understand. It took quite some time, but I finished it and all those knots turned into something magnificent. I couldn’t have imagined that something so beautiful would come from just a bunch of knots. The investment of time and effort transformed the mass of knots into an heirloom, something to be treasured for a very long time.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, each knot, each problem, I confront can be made into something beautiful. It takes time, diligence and an unwavering faith that what I am doing is worth it. I am building my family and it is certainly worth my time, effort and diligence in working through struggles. Those knots, when used the right way, make us stronger and more beautiful and create familial relationships that will be treasured for a very long time.

Power of Moms Couple Retreat

Can you see me over there on the right, in the pink shirt?  ^^^

 Last weekend, Ster and I went to a parenting retreat in Park City.  It was offered through the wonderful ladies at

I've been a member of this website for about a year and it has helped restore me to the mom I wanted to be when I got married.  I got pretty lost and discouraged after baby #5 and after a lot of soul-searching, talking to my husband, praying and a few timely podcasts and blogposts, I came out of the fog and discovered myself again. 


Needless to say, the Power of Moms has contributed to that and the retreat was WONDERFUL!  It was so nice to be there with my husband and no distractions.  It was so nice to be there with other couples who wanted to be more deliberate in their parenting.  It was so nice to take the time to really focus on what is most important to us - and that is our family. 


We came away with so many wonderful ideas and motivation to make a more deliberate effort in raising our children.  Its easy to just let it happen and put out fires as they come, but its much more rewarding to be proactive in our interactions with our kids.

Can you see me?  Way up there in the right corner.  Next to the hunky guy? 
LOOK AT ALL THOSE DELIBERATE PARENTS!!!!

Here are a few things that I learned.  (This is a very small, abbreviated list.)
* A successful instituion will have systems to function and provide infra-structure.  A family can use the same systems.  They are an economic system, legal system and family culture.  Providing those systems in the home will prepare my children for the world.  (Look out world.  Here they come!)


*  There are a lot of families out there with great ideas.  I can learn so much by sharing with others.  That is one of the valuable aspects of things like this retreat and other websites or blogs that support responsible parenting.
One silly/simple thing we learned was to keep dry-erase markers in the bathroom.  Priceless.  Ster and I have left several notes on the bathroom mirror as we've gone to sleep and woken up at different times the last few days.  And now Sydney is leaving me nice notes on the mirror as well. 

*  Teaching my children to be financially responsible is crucial.  And I'm the one responsible to teach them. 

*  I really want to come up with a family mission statement or motto.  We've been thinking about it for a while but now I'm feeling like we need to start nailing it down.*  Our family culture should be stronger than the media/internet/sports/celebrity/school culture.  Its fascinating to compare a country's culture to a family culture.  Food, dress, language, art, holidays.  Then when you compare those to religion.  Wowzers.  I feel a whole other post coming on.


* I love my kids and I love being their mom.  It has taken me a while to get back to that mindset.  But I'm back and I love it.  Someone reminded me that we are the only ones who get to know our children intimately while they are children.  For the rest of their lives and for eternity to come, they will be adults.  But for these few years, we get to know them, every thing about them, while they are babies and toddlers and children.  What a privilege.  And I'm honored. 


Thanks Power of Moms for a great retreat and for continued support on your website.  Now, you all need to go check it out.  Here's the link again.  Register, explore and then let's talk. Believe me, we have a lot to talk about.